First off, it is important to take away all their clown records. This is very important. Even the sight of one of these albums could trigger a terrible relapse.
Secondly, take away their baggy pants. This is one of the trademarks of the clown or fool. Buy them some pants that fit.
Sit them down, and for EXACTLY three hours, play Cocteau Twins for them. Recommended albums are Garlands, Lullabies, and Treasure.
By now they may be getting a bit antsy. This is normal. Tie them down if they try to get away.
Now you'll want to put on some glam. Anything from Specimen to David Bowie is ok, use your own discretion. Play glam for about 2 hours. Then follow it up with Nina Simone for another 2.
Let them up for a bit, perhaps to go to the restroom. Make sure they've taken some mild sedatives, so they'll be groggy and unable to run away. Tell them how good they are doing, and how proud of them you are. Reassuring pats will relax them and make them a bit more comfortable.
Now come the tough part. Tie them down again, and for the rest of the day, play a selection of classical and ragtime while showing slides of clowns raping, killing and eating people, along with pictures of what ICP fans grown up to become (pictures of hobos and trailer trash are acceptable).
At the end of the day, sit them up. They'll want a glass of water, make sure you have one on hand. Smile, hug them, and comfort them with an ice cream sundae. By now, if you've followed these instructions, they'll be cured.
Occasionally, there will be a relapse, possibly from second-hand exposure to such clown-like bands as Cradle of Filth or Twizted. In this case, death is always the kindest option, but if you find you are unable to do this, we recommend locking them in a room for 3 days and playing a mixture of Danielle Dax, Ladytron, Nina Hagen, and Subway commercials.
We hope this has helped your child. Good luck, and God bless.
- Lakini Malich, M.D.